Trust me. I’m a blogger.

I’m not. I hate blogs. I hate blogging.

There. I’ve said it.

Strong opening line? Blogging suicide?

I have no idea why anyone would want to blog. Even less ideas on why anyone might want to read one. I like my facts checked and verified. And care not for the idle ramblings of minds with too much spare time, and an unshaking confidence in the validity of their own knowledge and opinion. The force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded.

Luckily, or regrettably (ask me at the end of the module) I had no idea, not the slightest indication (which is worrying for someone who suffers from hypervigilance) that electing for the PR and Digital Media module would require me to create a blog. I thought it might be about analysing click-through-rates and measuring ‘share of voice’. I wasn’t prepared, I am not prepared, for this public bearing of soul.

I can’t lie. I’m not happy. I’m not comfortable.

Like that younger Von Trapp child in the ‘So long, farewell’ number who gleefully sings about being happy to leave the party early.  I haven’t even got to the blog-party. In fact, I wasn’t going to go. I tore up the invite, deleted the link, and decided to wash my hair that day.

This is leaving me cold. Colder than cold. There is a deathly chill filling my whole being. Every micro-millimetre under the skin. I imagine it’s where my soul used to be. Before it fled to light side. To the Analogue star system.

Essentially, blogging combines two of my most disliked (or should that be ‘not yet mastered’) elements of life: technology and shameless self-promotion! I’m not a troller. Live and let live. I just stay away and pretend it doesn’t exist.

But exist it does.

In January 2020 there were 1,742,813,617 sites across the globe. I’m not even sure what that number is. Is that 1.7bn? Over 409 million people read more than 20 billion pages on WordPress each month. The median average time spent reading an article is 37 seconds…ok. I can bear my digital soul to you for 37 seconds.

So, dear reader, never one to give up (that’s a total lie, btw, I’m the proud epitome of a quitter)…I’ll start this paragraph again.

Needing all the help I can get, I have turned to the trusted old internet, done some research, ordered a couple of books (you remember those? Made of paper, black ink, white pages). One that promises to teach me how to uncover my voice and write blogs that readers will love – I haven’t read it yet, so watch this space for future improvements – and one that teaches dummies how to do basic tech stuff on WordPress; sounds promising). I’ve just flicked through the chapters of the latter: page 359 Diverting sploggers with settings and code. (Soul exits to Analogue again).

So here we are. Welcome to my blog.

We’ve got 37 seconds together. Sticky Posts and Thumbnail Supports anyone? No. Let’s not do this now, sweetheart. Spend those precious moments wisely, my new friend. These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.

Next week: Getting widgitized and identifying core plug-ins!